The Man in the Moon is in the Milk

I made my oatmeal this morning, put some brown sugar and jam on it, and then poured some milk into the bowl, to cool it down. I took my bowl over to the table, and looked down, and there he was! The man in the moon, present in his crescent shape, with an eye, a nose, and a small prim mouth. It was great. Only I was still half asleep so the greatness of it didn't hit me until after school, when I reviewed the photographical evidence. But now I'm jazzed. As an added bonus, if you tilt your head to the left, you can see a sort of demonic goblin in the jam. He's got 2 eyes, the left one's kind of skinny and long, and he also has a triangle nose in the middle. And a wierd shaped mouth. But he detracts from the glory of the man in the moon and his face isn't as intricate or beautifully lunar. Anyways, its great.

The Tumgos

Can you see the Indian in the photograph? He rides on a horse that leaps into the air, the feather of his headress flying in the wind. He is one of the most elusive persons in the West. He is Chief GreySwirl, not to be confused with GreySquirrel, and is chief of the tribe Tumgo. Chief GreySwirl is a firm believer in the culinary arts and has formulated a strict regime for his people. The women cook their culture-rich food in large pots during the day, while the men go out hunting for fresh meat or, more often, for recipes. Sometimes they steal these recipes from neighboring tribes, which really gets their fellow Natives up at arms. There have been some close calls, where some of the Tumgos have not been so stealthy and have almost been caught. The victim tribe runs out with knives or spoons, to chase after those tricky Tumgos. But the Tumgos usually always manage to escape, cookbook, index card, or printout in hand. One time they were not so lucky. Chief GreySwirl sent out RedDirt, a young thief trainee, to nab a Betty Crocker Cookbook just outside a teepee. But RedDirt was not so swift, and just as he grabbed the corner of the book, an enraged and possessive squaw rushed at him, knocking him over. She punched his eye out, leading to serious cornea problems, and causing RedDirt to cry. But he quickly manned up and ripped out a few pages of the cookbook, making a hurried getaway. The squaw brought her complaints, as well as her damaged cookbook, to her chief, and he declared war on the Tumgos. When Chief GreySwirl heard this, he was not bothered in the least. For the Tumgos worship a series of culinary gods and goddesses, deities he was sure would not fail them. Their deities are based after foods and ingredients, the sort of stuff you might find in the kitchen on a busy baking day, with lots of different recipes in progress (which is every day for the Tumgos!). One such of these, a very important and superior goddess, is Queen Kustardania. She is a fancy goddess, because she is a mixture of eggnog, egg, and rum. The Tumgos revere her because of the eggnog component, and you can only get eggnog at one time of year, making it a very special ingredient. The rum part is respected too. Anyways, the Tumgos seriously worship Queen Kustardania. They all know that she would never let them down. So Chief GreySwirl was not worried. He knew that with due sacrifices and ample war chants, this war would be a Tumgo victory. The women of the tribe prepared the best foods for Queen Kustardania, cakes, pies, pastries, soups, meats, salads, casseroles, souffles, pancakes, etc. etc. They set them down before a custard pie, meant to represent the queen, and then burned the foods, and ate the charred remains. The next day, the war began. It was a tough fight, with much stabbing of forks, thwacking of spoons, bashing of cookbooks over heads, and throwing of bowls. Finally, the resounding clash of cookie sheets echoed in the distance, signalling an end to the battle. Many of the Indians ended up wounded, and a few died. It was a somber time for both tribes. When the two tribes finally counted up their tally of unscathed survivors, the Tumgos had more and therefore really had succeeded. It was a joyous occasion. The opposing tribe slunk home with heads hung low, and the Tumgos pranced to their home with pockets full of recipe cards. Chief GreySwirl was adorned with a new feather, and Queen Kustardania was celebrated for days on end. The Tumgos were free to plunder recipes again and they were free to follow under Chief GreySwirl's impressive leadership and his culinary lifestyle until death. And so Chief GreySwirl and his tribe of the Tumgos continue to inspire us today, with their valiant cookery and all its pursuits.

Ketchup: A Great Saga

YOU, as a bottle of ketchup, do you think you're set for life? Do you think you can just waltz right out of the refrigerator and be the best condiment in the kitchen? Do you think your life is going to be easy? Well don't think, KNOW. Know what you are going to do when you leave the refrigerator because there are many paths for you to take. I've prepared this seminar and instructional memoir for all you ignorant bottles out there. I know the ropes, I'm an emptied and rinsed ketchup bottle, all ready for the recycling bin. I didn't get to ultimate ketchup fulfillment and satisfaction by chilling in the fridge. So pay close attention. Because the life of ketchup is one to be revered.

Ketchup: A Great Saga

Part 1

The Early Months

The journey to become a famed and honored Ketchup, known in some regions as Catsup, is one that begins at the bottle.

36 ounces, one of 57 varieties, Ketchup has potential. And the ideal ketchup bottle will scream potential. He needs to stand proud and erect with his bold and statement-making label. He begins as a full bottle, firm and pristine. When ketchup is first slapped right on the grocery store shelf, the fun ends. Factory time is over. Ketchup needs to catch the eye of every customer in the store, and hold that eye contact for at least 3 seconds. The goal of a shelved ketchup is only to be bought. And when he is bought, the real work begins. From the moment he first feels the chill of the refrigerator, he should know the condiment life is exactly right for him. Surveying his habitat with expentant optimism, Ketchup should look upon all his roommates with a friendly attitude. Even if a friendly attitude and genial smile aren't enough. "Its a dog-eat-dog world in there. Dairy products going bad, the ashamed bottles at the back of the refrigerator, the mix of personalities, well, its intense," one Ketchup, who prefers to remain anonymous, told us. Her experience in the refrigerator was particularily dismal. Tempermental containers are a huge part of life in any refrigerator and it is important that as a civilized, mature ketchup bottle, you ignore any overdramatic situation the other bottles/containers get into. Life in the refrigerator is tough, but it is a small sacrifice on the altar of acting a hero to hot dogs, french fries, scambled eggs, hamburgers and further varieties of meat products everywhere. Join us for Part 2: Techniques for Food Products.