Alright now, we've introduced you to your life in the fridge. That's your personal life. That's your life that starts and ends in the fridge. Don't even think about dragging it across the food products. It's all about professionalism. It's all about keeping your cool. You should know that by now, young bottle. So I won't waste any more of my time. Let's get started.
Ketchup: A Great Saga
Part 2
Techniques for Food Products
Meatloaf. The most elementary of food surfaces. It's flat. It's solid. It's a blank canvas for you. What do you want to do on it? No, you can't get artistic. We as ketchup bottles must stick to technical. What was that? You feel a little fancy? You feel like breaking the rules? Do you feel like paying the consequences? Do you feel like having the food product you tainted, thrust aside out of sheer revulsion to your mess? Right. I didn't think so. Now, listen up, here is the most basic of all ketchup squirts: the blob. 
The blob is a thick mass of ketchup. It doesn't require much effort from you. It doesn't look very pretty either. But if you are starting out, you want to play it safe, it's ok, it's ok. The blob is perfect for dipping, so if you have french fries, its the best style to use. Next we encounter the glaze. 
The glaze is an even coat. Its not very pratical. But it looks good and sometimes it is bakeable. To explain further, some people but ketchup on their meatloaf and then bake it all as one and then the glaze become permanent. However, I feel that that takes away from the defining characterists of the ketchup, one of which is moistness. 
This next one is for those of you who feel you are super special. It's the swizzle. I know, I know. Its impressive. But it takes superb control. One mistake, and it is ruined. You cannot expect to move onto this beauty unless you've mastered the blob and the glaze. So hold up. Let's go with step by step instructions for this here technique. 1. Turn upside down. You should have that down by now. We don't want you to stand upright, bursting ketchup into the air, and staining someone's walls with lycopene. 2. Breath out. This is imperative. We don't want you to lose your cool. Just relax. 3. Let out a line of ketchup while slowly rocking back and forth, and while moving yourself forward. This is multitasking, yes. Ok. Now finish off with 4. a quick flip to the upright position. Alright everyone, that's how you do it. I wouldn't expect you to have that down on the first try. You've probably spilled all over yourself haven't you? heh. Amateur. Practice hard, maybe next time you'll get it... better. There is one rule for the swizzle: Do not use it excessively. Catsups who swizzle on their fries are considered fancy and snottish. And no one wants to think of the aristocracy while chowing down on greasy fries. The swizzle is only acceptable for foods that taste best with minimal ketchup. Alright? Alright. Thank you. Thank you for your time. Remember, you too, can become an exceptional Ketchup. It just takes time, perserverence, and rigorous discipline.
The blob is a thick mass of ketchup. It doesn't require much effort from you. It doesn't look very pretty either. But if you are starting out, you want to play it safe, it's ok, it's ok. The blob is perfect for dipping, so if you have french fries, its the best style to use. Next we encounter the glaze. 
The glaze is an even coat. Its not very pratical. But it looks good and sometimes it is bakeable. To explain further, some people but ketchup on their meatloaf and then bake it all as one and then the glaze become permanent. However, I feel that that takes away from the defining characterists of the ketchup, one of which is moistness. 
This next one is for those of you who feel you are super special. It's the swizzle. I know, I know. Its impressive. But it takes superb control. One mistake, and it is ruined. You cannot expect to move onto this beauty unless you've mastered the blob and the glaze. So hold up. Let's go with step by step instructions for this here technique. 1. Turn upside down. You should have that down by now. We don't want you to stand upright, bursting ketchup into the air, and staining someone's walls with lycopene. 2. Breath out. This is imperative. We don't want you to lose your cool. Just relax. 3. Let out a line of ketchup while slowly rocking back and forth, and while moving yourself forward. This is multitasking, yes. Ok. Now finish off with 4. a quick flip to the upright position. Alright everyone, that's how you do it. I wouldn't expect you to have that down on the first try. You've probably spilled all over yourself haven't you? heh. Amateur. Practice hard, maybe next time you'll get it... better. There is one rule for the swizzle: Do not use it excessively. Catsups who swizzle on their fries are considered fancy and snottish. And no one wants to think of the aristocracy while chowing down on greasy fries. The swizzle is only acceptable for foods that taste best with minimal ketchup. Alright? Alright. Thank you. Thank you for your time. Remember, you too, can become an exceptional Ketchup. It just takes time, perserverence, and rigorous discipline. 
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