Ketchup: A Great Saga

YOU, as a bottle of ketchup, do you think you're set for life? Do you think you can just waltz right out of the refrigerator and be the best condiment in the kitchen? Do you think your life is going to be easy? Well don't think, KNOW. Know what you are going to do when you leave the refrigerator because there are many paths for you to take. I've prepared this seminar and instructional memoir for all you ignorant bottles out there. I know the ropes, I'm an emptied and rinsed ketchup bottle, all ready for the recycling bin. I didn't get to ultimate ketchup fulfillment and satisfaction by chilling in the fridge. So pay close attention. Because the life of ketchup is one to be revered.

Ketchup: A Great Saga

Part 1

The Early Months

The journey to become a famed and honored Ketchup, known in some regions as Catsup, is one that begins at the bottle.

36 ounces, one of 57 varieties, Ketchup has potential. And the ideal ketchup bottle will scream potential. He needs to stand proud and erect with his bold and statement-making label. He begins as a full bottle, firm and pristine. When ketchup is first slapped right on the grocery store shelf, the fun ends. Factory time is over. Ketchup needs to catch the eye of every customer in the store, and hold that eye contact for at least 3 seconds. The goal of a shelved ketchup is only to be bought. And when he is bought, the real work begins. From the moment he first feels the chill of the refrigerator, he should know the condiment life is exactly right for him. Surveying his habitat with expentant optimism, Ketchup should look upon all his roommates with a friendly attitude. Even if a friendly attitude and genial smile aren't enough. "Its a dog-eat-dog world in there. Dairy products going bad, the ashamed bottles at the back of the refrigerator, the mix of personalities, well, its intense," one Ketchup, who prefers to remain anonymous, told us. Her experience in the refrigerator was particularily dismal. Tempermental containers are a huge part of life in any refrigerator and it is important that as a civilized, mature ketchup bottle, you ignore any overdramatic situation the other bottles/containers get into. Life in the refrigerator is tough, but it is a small sacrifice on the altar of acting a hero to hot dogs, french fries, scambled eggs, hamburgers and further varieties of meat products everywhere. Join us for Part 2: Techniques for Food Products.